My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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