I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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