I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Randomize
