Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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