Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
