you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
