the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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