i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize