On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
this just has baby written all over it
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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