i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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