If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
