I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
