Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
