Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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