Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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