im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
