this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
