dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
