Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
