Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
