I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
