I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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