i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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