You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize