Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
