I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize