things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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