Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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