I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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