Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
