I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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