the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize