Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
