I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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