I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
