i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
