That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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