On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
