You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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