ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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