But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
