And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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