My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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