I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
