two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
