why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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