Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
