i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
