I'm gonna have a badass scar
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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