It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
