there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i love accidental penises.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
