i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
