she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
