thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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