Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
