why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
