I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
