i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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