Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
