is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
