he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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