Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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